WATCH YOUR HEAD

By Rich Clegg

November 3, 2008

The library of Elmhurst College is a hotel for books. They are printed from locations around the globe and from there, these books begin their long journey to where they can rest their spine in the grand resort that is the Elmhurst College Library.

 Yes, they kiss like Marilyn and Joe DiMaggio. The books are hopelessly in lust with each other. They squeeze so close to each other that they share the same dust. 

However, the lust for knowledge is pornographic in nature. Every day these books are ravaged by countless hands, backpacks, dorm floors, trunks, sneezes, dirty drawings, underlining and the most potent effect: learning. 

The library is more than a room full of books. It’s a brothel of knowledge. And knowledge should never be monogamous. Knowledge is a mistress that so many seek and only few might feel her warmth. 

Libraries are places of sanctity. Librarians don’t tell people what you research, did you know that? Libraries also avoid censoring or blocking internet pages because they want you to be able to see, hear and research anything possible. Libraries give free access to computers, video rentals, work space, study rooms, homework machines (called reference librarians), comfy chairs, shelter while you wait for the shuttle, staples, paper, pretty much any book ever made, music, (take a breath), lecture rooms, archives, dirty pictures in nude art books (you know who you are), improved literacy, printers, pianos (check out the Harold Washington library downtown if you don’t believe me), that book smell, deafening silence and college. 

College? Well, think about it. If any class on campus ever assigned an assignment that required you to type a paper and didn’t provide access to a computer, typewriter, or intelligent bird that scribbled on paper for you (“The Flintstones”) then it would be impossible to complete the assignment. So, why is it then that sometimes it’s hard to find a seat in the library? 

Former president Cureton gave a speech during my freshman orientation in which he said something about how libraries hold the key to academic success. You can put one on the board for him, that’s exactly what this campus needs: keys full of academic success. We want keys; big sheriff size jail key rings full of keys, pianos full of keys, Florida's full of keys. We need to flood this campus with academic keys.

How? Let’s pump money into the library because it is the brain of the personified Elmhurst College. Humans evolved and acquired big brains, and now we dominate the planet. Elmhurst College can get bigger, at least academically.

And we can put the whole damn city of Elmhurst on the map in big bold letters because of it. Elmhurst College will become a household name. “Honey can you pass the Elmhurst? I mean, can you pass the big smart expensive turkey?” 

Whoever throws those big events on campus, plan a big party for the library. Have a massive party in or outside of the library raising money. Have a clown making book animals. Give children free books. Make out on some book stacks. Rejoice in the fact that you are allowed to learn. That’s right, allowed. In other places on this planet throughout history (and even today) books have been banned and burned. Cry for them. Build a memorial for the beauty that was lost in the fire.